In The Name Of God The Most Merciful, Most Compassionate

10 ways to avoid marrying the wrong person

by Dr. Nafisa Sekandari & Hosai Mojaddidi
Source: Mental Health 4 Muslims

Filed under: Family,Featured,Lifestyle |

By: Dr. Nafisa Sekandari & Hosai Mojaddidi

Source: Mental Health 4 Muslims

There is a right way and a wrong way to get to know someone for marriage.  The wrong way is to get caught up in the excitement and nuance of a budding relationship and in the process completely forget to ask the critical questions that help determine compatibility.

One of the biggest mistakes that many young Muslims make is rushing into marriage without properly and thoroughly getting to know someone.  A common myth is that the duration of a courtship is an accurate enough measure of how compatible two people are.  The logic follows that the longer you speak with someone, the better you will know them.

The problem with that premise is that no consideration is given to how that time is spent. Increasingly, young Muslim couples are engaging in “halal dating,” which is basically socializing with each other in the company of friends and/or family. This includes going out to dinner, watching a movie, playing some sport or other leisure activity, etc.  Depending on the family or culture, conversations are either minimal & chaperoned or worse, unrestricted and unsupervised. When you consider these  limitations it makes one wonder when exactly, if ever at all, would the critical conversations take place?  Unfortunately, for many, the answer is never and they live to suffer the consequences.

If you or someone you know is in the “getting to know someone” phase,  the following guide offers advice on exactly what to look for and avoid:

1) Do Not Marry Potential:  Oftentimes men consider marrying a woman hoping she never changes while a woman considers marrying a man she hopes she can change.  This is the wrong approach on both accounts.  Don’t assume that you can change a person after you’re married to them or that they will reach their potential.  There is no guarantee, after all, that those changes will be for the better. In fact, it’s often for the worse. If you can’t accept someone or imagine living with them as they are then don’t marry them.  These differences can include a number of things such as ideological or practical differences in religion, habits, hygiene, communication skills, etc.

2) Choose Character over Chemistry:  While chemistry and attraction are no doubt important, character precedes them both. A famous quote follows, “Chemistry ignites the fire, but character keeps it burning.” The idea of falling “in love” should never be the sole reason for marrying someone; it is very easy to confuse infatuation and lust for love.  The most important character traits to look for include humility, kindness, responsibility, & happiness. Here’s a breakdown of each trait:

  • Humility: The humble person never makes demands of people but rather always does right by them. They put their values and principles above convenience and comfort.  They are slow to anger, are modest, and avoid materialism.
  • Kindness: The kind person is the quintessential giver. They seek to please and minimize the pain of others. To know if a person is a giver, observe how they treat their family, siblings, and parents. Do they have gratitude towards their parents for all that they’ve done for them? If not, then know that they will never appreciate what you do for them. How do they treat people they don’t have to be kind towards (i.e. waiters, sales associates, employees, etc)? How do they spend their money?  How do they deal with anger; their own anger and their reaction to someone else’s anger?
  • Responsibility: A responsible person has stability in their finances, relationships, job, and character.  You can you rely on this person and trust what they say.
  • Happiness: A happy person is content with their portion in life. They feel good about themselves and good about their life. They focus on what they have rather than on what they don’t have.  They very rarely complain.

3) Do Not Neglect The  Emotional Needs of Your Partner:  Both men and women have emotional needs and in order for a partnership to be successful those needs must be mutually met. The fundamental emotional need of a woman is to be loved.  The fundamental emotional need of a man is to be respected and appreciated.  To make a woman feel loved give her the three AAAs:  Attention, Affection, & Appreciation.  To make a man feel loved give him the three RRRs:  Respect, Reassurance, & Relief.  It is the obligation of each partner to make sure the other is happy and this extends to intimacy as well. As long as each partner is fulfilled by the emotional needs of the other, the intimate relationship will thrive.  When a man takes seriously the emotional needs of his wife she will feel more encouraged to fulfill his sexual desires. Likewise, when a woman takes seriously the emotional needs of her husband he will feel more encouraged to give her the affection, love and appreciation she wants from him. Working together in this way encourages both giving and receiving.

4) Avoid Opposing Life Plans:  In marriage you can either grow together or grow apart. Sharing a common purpose in life will increase the chance that you will grow together.

  • You must know what the person is into. In other words, what are they ultimately passionate about?  Then ask yourself, “Do I respect this passion?” “Do I respect what they are into?”
  • The more specifically you define yourself, i.e., your values, your beliefs, your lifestyle, the better chance you have of finding your life partner, your soul mate, the one you are most compatible with.
  • Remember, before you decide who to take along on a trip, you should first figure out your destination.

5) Avoid Pre-Marital Sexual/Physical Activity:

  • Recognize that there is incredible wisdom in why God has ordered us to refrain from intimacy before marriage; they are to prevent great harms as well as to keep sacred what is the most blessed part of a relationship between a man and a woman.
  • Aside from the obvious spiritual consequences, when a relationship gets physical before its time, important issues like character, life philosophy, and compatibility go to the wayside. Consequently, everything is romanticized and it becomes difficult to even remember the important issues let alone talk about them.
  • Intellectual commitment must be established before emotional or sexual commitment.

6) Avoid Lack of Emotional Connection:  There are four questions that you must answer YES to:

  • Do I respect and admire this person?  What specifically do I respect and admire about this person?
  • Do I trust this person?  Can I rely on them?  Do I trust their judgment?  Do I trust their word? Can I believe what they say?
  • Do I feel Safe?  Do I feel emotionally safe with this person?  Can I be vulnerable?  Can I be myself?  Can I be open?  Can I express myself?
  • Do I feel calm and at peace with this person?

If the answer is “I don’t know, I’m not sure, etc.” keep evaluating until you know for sure and truly understand how you feel. If you don’t feel safe now, you won’t feel safe when you are married.  If you don’t trust now, this won’t change when you are married!

7) Pay Attention to Your Own Emotional Anxiety: Choosing someone you don’t feel safe with emotionally is not a good recipe for a long-lasting and loving marriage.  Feeling emotionally safe is the foundation of a strong and healthy marriage.  When you don’t feel safe, you can’t express your feelings and opinions.  Learn how to identify whether you are in an abusive relationship.  If you feel you always have to monitor what you say, if you are with someone and you feel you can’t really express yourself and are always walking on eggshells, then it’s very likely you are in an abusive relationship.  Look for the following things:

  • Controlling behavior: This includes controlling the way you act, the way you think, the way you dress, the way you wear your hair/hijab and the way you spend your time.  Know the difference between suggestions and demands.  Demands are an expression of control and if the demands are implied, than you must do it or there will be consequences. All of these are clear indications of abusive personalities.
  • Anger issues: This is someone who raises their voice on a regular basis, who is angry, gets angry at you, uses anger against you, uses put downs, and curses at you, etc.  You don’t have to put up with this type of treatment.  Many people who tolerate this behavior usually come from abusive backgrounds.  If this is the case with you or someone you know, get help right away.  Deal with those issues before getting married or before even thinking about getting married.

Beware of Lack of Openness In Your Partner:  Many couples make the mistake of not putting everything on the table for discussion from the onset.  Ask yourself, “What do I need to know to be absolutely certain I want to marry this person?” “What bothers me about this person or the relationship?”  It’s very important to identify what’s bothering you, things that concern you, and things you are afraid to bring up for discussion. Then you must have an honest discussion about them. This is a great way to test the strength of your relationship. Bringing up issues when there’s conflict is a great opportunity to really evaluate how well you communicate, negotiate, and work together as a team.  When people get into power struggles and blame each other, it’s an indication they don’t work well as a team.  Also important is being vulnerable around each other. Ask deep questions of each other and see how your partner responds.  How do they handle it?  Are they defensive?  Do they attack?  Do they withdraw?  Do they get annoyed?  Do they blame you?  Do they ignore it?  Do they hide or rationalize it?  Don’t just listen to what they say but watch for how they say it!

9) Beware of Avoiding Personal Responsibility: It’s very important to remember no one else is responsible for your happiness. Many people make the mistake of thinking someone else will fulfill them and make their life better and that’s their reason for getting married.  People fail to realize that if they are unhappy as a single person, they will continue to be miserable when they are married.  If you are currently not happy with yourself, don’t like yourself, don’t like the direction your life is going now, it’s important to take responsibility for that now and work on improving those areas of your life before considering marriage.  Don’t bring these issues into your marriage and hope your partner will fix them.

10) Watch Out For Lack of Emotional Health and Availability In Your Potential Partner:  Many people choose partners that are not emotionally healthy or available. One huge problem is when a partner is unable to balance the emotional ties to family members, the marriage ends up having 3 (or more) people in it rather than two. An example of this would be if a man is overly dependent on his mother and brings that relationship into the marriage; this is no doubt a recipe for disaster.  Also important to consider are the following:

  • Avoid people who are emotionally empty inside.  These include people who don’t like themselves because they lack the ability to be emotionally available. They are always preoccupied with their deficiencies, insecurities, and negative thoughts.  They are in a perpetual fight with depression, never feel good, are isolated, are critical and judgmental; tend to not have any close friends, and often distrust people or are afraid of them.  Another clear indication about them is they always feel their needs are not getting met; they have a sense of entitlement and feel angry when they feel people should take care of them and they don’t.  They feel burdened by other people’s needs and feel resentment towards them.  These people can not be emotionally available to build healthy relationships.
  • Addictions can also limit the level of availability of the partner to build a strong emotional relationship.  Never marry an addict.  Addictions are not limited to drugs and alcohol.  They can be about addictions and dependency on work, internet, hobbies, sports, shopping, money, power, status, materialism, etc.  When someone has an addiction, they will not and can not be emotionally available to develop an intimate relationship with you!

Additional Points to Consider:

  1. The fact is no one looks 25 forever.  Ultimately, we love the person we marry for more than their appearance.  When we get to know someone we love and admire, we’ll love them for their inner beauty and overall essence.
  2. Once we find someone, we consciously or subconsciously want so badly for it all to work that we decide not to question or see what is clearly in front of our eyes: they were rude to the waiter, speaks ill of others, is rude to you, etc.  We don’t stop to ask, “What does all of this mean about their character?”
  3. Never separate someone from their family, background, education, belief system, etc.  Asking clear questions can clarify this.  Ask questions like, “What does it mean to have a simple lifestyle?” “What are your expectations of marriage?”  “How would you help around the house?” Compare your definition with theirs.
  4. Be flexible.  Be open-minded!
  5. Giving in a happy marriage should not be confused with martyrdom.  It should be about taking pleasure and seeing the other person as happy because of your connection with them.
  6. Morality and spirituality are the qualities that truly define someone in addition to beauty, money, and health.  The morally upright and spiritual person will stand by your side during adversity and hardship.  If someone isn’t God-conscience and doesn’t take themselves into account with God then why should you expect them to fulfill their rights owed to you? The ideal partner is someone who considers giving a gain and not causing a loss.  Having a mutual and shared spiritual relationship will foster a successful marriage.  Furthermore, a successful marriage is one that keeps the laws of family purity which require a certain degree of self-control and self-discipline, as well as the belief that the physical side of the relationship includes the spiritual and emotional side as well.  Finding commonality and balance between the spiritual and emotional aspects of a relationship is a strong key to a healthy and thriving marriage.
The above article was [in part] inspired by and adapted from a presentation by Rabbi Dov Heller, M.A.
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HarretMicky1 5pts

   Choosing a life partner is another difficult part of life as human though this article have really helped like other article, I was also victim of marrital problem and i could not accept a divorce because i so much enjoyed our relationship. we had lots of fun but it turn opposite after marriage like no sex again, cheats on me and he do not respect me any more. so i contact Dr oshogum with to help me save my marriage and also help my sister to choose a good life partner with love that will last forever. if you really want a lovely life partner in realationship or marriage contact and if you have problems in your marriage or want to save your marriage and relationship from pains and cheat, contact

Reineda Ziegler
Reineda Ziegler 5pts

It's not too late for you? I was married for 26 years. May Allah protect you and bless you. You just have to be very strong to be able to do this. I wish you all the Happiness in the World!!!!!

TedMosby 5pts

yet into a married life, but this article really helpful, thanks

zarghona 5pts

salam alikom everyone... i have read this article its really me a favor dear all ,,, pray for me .... i m engaged and here there is a problem come in my marriage ,, plzz take my name in your salahh and pray for me plzz ...ask from allah that remove this hardness from my nikah and put lots of love between me and my husband ...i love him a lot ..and even i cant imagine my self without him.. plz pray dear all ...

Musa Butt
Musa Butt 5pts

True.. Onkel Musa er altid til tjeneste! Hahaha 5pts

Nafisa Rawanshinas - as with all our articles, the source info with a direct link to the original there. This might not show up on the mobile site due to formatting changes. I will see if we can add it inshaAllah.

Nur Sofi
Nur Sofi 5pts

Amal Shafie Asyura Ja'ak special for you :D

AbsarAhmad 5pts

Wonderful article very true... :)

831 5pts

This is one of the best articles I've read on this topic. I find myself nodding to almost every point. But having said that, 7years is not a short amount of time that u spend with someone. You have invested so much of your heart and feelings into it that makes parting a feat that is easier said than done.

mo7amed7ared 5pts

Thank you so much to Muslim and the Jewish writers who made this beautifully written article possible.

AtifSultan 5pts

Thankfully, I am everything this articles demands a person to be. But then SHE rejected me because of my height!! :V :D :P :(

Acas 5pts

You miss an important part of this article: the trait of humility! Unlikely to be your height, but your ego. She is probably with a humble man who doesn't think he's perfect .

qianying 5pts

Besides from making me think how I would see a potential partner in the future, this article made me question if I am a suitable person (like mentally healthy enough) for anyone else out there. 

ben 5pts

to find these qualities it is huge task and almost impossible cause generally people are good at hiding their true selves until marriage is initiated............nowadays it is close to impossible to marry someone, unless you are very lucky to find someone with theese 10 traits. it is too unrealistic.   

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Shuriken 5pts

I'm not a Muslim, but I'm married and think this is one of the best marriage advice I've ever seen. Sure beats the decorative and crowd-pleasing advice I hear on cable TV! Singles across all beliefs (or non-beliefs) should certainly do better if they adhere to these.

Marriage is your life's most crucial venture, it's ridiculous to "just wing it" on the basis on some brain-hormone alone.

Sukar 5pts

I honestly don't know why some people are bashing this article. All the points are very valid and correct regardless of how they were conveyed. I don't need to take everything to heart you read the article and you take from it what you think will work for you, and every point is a good point and are things that could turn a relationship upside down if it's not dealt with before or in the early stages of the relationship. 

As far as the the 3 AAA's and 3 RRR's i've seen that around in other published psychology work.  It has nothing to do with Islam or religion at ALL... it's simply how the majority humans are. NOT ALL HUMANS but a good number of them. ISLAM calls for mutual respect between both partners. If you think about it to make a man happy. Respect, Reliance and Relief: respect is mutual of course to and from both partners. Reliance is important a man needs to feel like he is a man, open a jar, pick something heavy, he needs his masculinity validity not to saying that he(we) feel insecure about our masculinity but we want to know that we are the protectors and you can run to us for safety when you need something heavy lifted or a tight jar opened lol :) RELIEF comes off a little bad in the sense that people automatically think sexual relief and that is not completely true. Men are humans too and we have emotions maybe we aren't as forthcoming about them as women are but we need to feel like are loved, cared for and we hold an important place in your hearts, and when we need to talk or express you'll be there and i think that is what Relief means not only sexually relief but emotional relief as well. 

anyways didn't mean to rant but it's a good article nonetheless...instead of going off bashing or posting negative comments, take what you feel benefits you and Allah knows best :D 

Cheers y'all :D

Zool 5pts

" 7) Pay Attention to Your Own Emotional Anxiety

Controlling behavior: This includes controlling the way you act, the way you think, the way you dress, the way you wear your hair/hijab and the way you spend your time."

I find this hilarous.. if your wife wanna be in skimpy outfit all the time and show her boobs and wear short skirts, u cant control her?? lol.. 

In a way or another, if you tell someone how she dressed, and ask her to wear something more appropriate, she will for sure say "YOU ARE CONTROLLING ME!!!" lol... why cant they include "as long as it does not oppose the islamic way of dressing which is to cover up your aurat" such a biase article..

AD 5pts

the article is great and quite helpful in many ways, but the writer suggests that we avoid depressed people.

I have depression. does this mean that people find me unfavourable as a potential life partner? I've always felt that one day a woman will enter my life and finally rid me of all the troubles I face in dealing with depression, because God knows how painful it is to just get me through days.

AS 5pts

@AD Dear AD, my cousin lived though a major depression herself, and this I told her too, you cant expect another person to "save" you from your problems and make everything much better. To start an healthy relationship you have to be happy and solve your problems on you own, never expect another person to solve it for you. Because that wont happen.

SH 5pts

I like how this article suggest that you observe all of these things about your potential husband/wife and then completely contradicts itself by saying that  "Depending on the family or culture, conversations are either minimal & chaperoned or worse, unrestricted and unsupervised." How are these questions going to be answered when the authors do not even want unrestricted conversation between a couple or potential couple. Additionally, "To make a woman feel loved give her the three AAAs:  Attention, Affection, & Appreciation.  To make a man feel loved give him the three RRRs:  Respect, Reassurance, & Relief."

As if a man does not need appreciation and a woman does not need respect. This is the fundamental problem with Islam and perhaps society as a whole. Women are still perceived as the weaker sex and unfortunately articles like this only continue to further perpetuate this. 

The other parts of the article were okay. 

No one
No one 5pts

Even though some people above may think this article isn't a good one, I think most of the points made are true!

gnmath 5pts

"to make a man feel loved give him the three RRRs:  Respect, Reassurance, & Relief"

I'm sorry but its very naive and religiously biased to believe that the sexual "relief" referred to above only applies to men!  Even though many traditional cultures repress the notion of female sexuality, it is reality that women have as equal sexual desires as men do and that it is the job of both partners to fulfill each other sexual desires, not just the women giving "relief" to a man.  

Sam 5pts

For those who do not think this article is trustworthy - think of it as your marriage counseling tools before you get married. When you find someone you find an attraction to, and feel that they are "THE ONE", consider the items on this article. Discuss them with your fiance, and in fact, find other questions online presented by marriage counselors so that you are both clear on where you each stand on the most important things in life.

Do not be a romantic and think that the plain text of the Hadeeth means that is it. "Whomever you are content with their Deen and Character, then marry them to your daughter". That needs to be defined because one's character and how they practice their Deen are completely different in a group vs at home.

Jazakum Allahu kheir for the article, even though its a tad bit late for me :)

Adrian 5pts

LOL!!! This crap is hillarious...

Fatimah 5pts

I really don't understand how one can observe their potential partners' habits so closely and get answers to these deep questions when such an emotionally intimate relationship is not meant to exist before Nikkah. Also, the part where 'emotionally empty' people are shunned is quite insensitive. Everybody has some sort of weakness and these people need love more than anyone else. This article makes one search for near perfection in the other person whereas every single person you have considered/will consider for marriage will have one or more of the characteristics 'to avoid'.

In my opinion, all you can really do is view the most basic things like modesty, humility, their consciousness of their Salah, manners, kindness etc. You should be honest and ask yourself whether you will be able to overlook their faults given what you know is good in them. Of course, ultimately, only Allah is aware of the depths of peoples' hearts which is why the only way to know whether there is Khayr in a potential relationship is to perform Istikhara. Its sad that priority is given to other things when The Most Merciful has given us an assured way to betterment.

Honestly, I don't understand why this article is on this website. I'm sure this would help many non-Muslims to make better life decisions given that their pre-martial relationships are so different from ours but in a Muslim's case, our beloved Prophet (may peace be upon him) surely gave the best advice when he said, "A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a loser." (Sahih Al Bukhari)

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