In The Name Of God The Most Merciful, Most Compassionate

Sisters, Marry Down!

by Raidah Shah Idil
Source: MuslimVillage.com

Filed under: Opinion,Raidah Shah Idil |

June 29 2011

For all the educated Muslim women out there who are still single, let me introduce a (not-so) revolutionary idea: Marry down.

That’s right, you heard me. Marry down. You know your ideal husband? That tall, dark and handsome university-educated professional who is also an ‘alim with a fully-furnished house, expensive car, and who, by the way, makes awesome cheesecake?

He doesn’t exist. (Well, if he does, he’s probably married. To one of your friends. And I don’t encourage polygny.)

So if you’re planning to marry within this lifetime, here are a few suggestions:

Ditch the degree

In an already shrinking pool of good men, don’t shoot yourself in the foot by insisting on a university graduate. Why narrow the field? Being university-educated doesn’t automatically make anyone a better person. And being a graduate doesn’t mean he’ll be financially stable. A tradie probably earns more money than the average graduate. Costs of living are quite high, so think about what kind of lifestyle you want. On that point, if you want a lot more than your prospective husband can give, are you willing to work and contribute?

Marry a younger man

By the time you’re 30, men your age or older are either married, or divorced and still looking. And he’s probably looking for someone younger than you. Sad fact of life. So marry the younger guy! A real man is secure enough in his masculinity to not be threatened by an older woman. Look at the example of our Beloved Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him): he married his boss who was twice-widowed with children, and who had a lot more money than he did. Now that’s what I call a man.

Character, character, character

When the fireworks fizzle out, you’re left with someone a lot like yourself. Very human, and very flawed. What’s the one thing that’ll help both of you overlook each other’s not-so-charming’s habits? Good character. A patient husband will understand why you haven’t had a chance to cook dinner. A great-looking husband with an anger problem will not. You’ll never find the perfect guy, so be honest with yourself and embrace what really matters to you. If you want a good provider, then know that he’ll work a lot and won’t be home much. If quality time is important to you, then you won’t have as much disposable income because he’ll be at home – with you! If you insist on a stunningly handsome husband, then don’t be surprised if he get proposed to by other women. Welcome to the dunya. Neverending bliss awaits us in Jannah.

Not everybody’s an ‘alim

Not everybody will marry the scholar. There aren’t enough to go around! And that’s okay. It takes a special kind of woman to be fine with young women flocking to her husband about the latest fiqh question. And not everyone is cut out for that. Maybe all you need is a nice guy who’ll be kind to you, your family, and a good example for your children. He may not be the next deen star, but by the standards of Islam, a loving husband, respectful son-in-law and nurturing father is no small thing.

So there you have it! Marrying down doesn’t mean settling, but it means scaling down your expectations. Work with reality, and you’ll have a better chance of success. And always remember the key point – through the help of Allah Most High, nothing is impossible.

71 comments
Olgish
Olgish

I want to marry down, but the problem is with HIM. He doesn't want to marry up.

DebEwing
DebEwing

it's been some time since I read this article, and I have fresh new perspective--actually, it's harsher perspective.  I want you to please show it to your mothers.   I, like some women who have commented here, married "down."   I think that most women in all cultures do so.  It happens regularly because societies underestimate the value of women and don't educate them to the degree that the women can handle.  Some societies even intentionally keep women down, making it seem like the norm for men to marry down, with "nary a complaint."  There is no complaint because the women are taught to Shut Up, because to divorce is a bigger shame on your family than to live with an abusive spouse.  

 

On the other side, many societies teach their sons to have perfect manners and warm personalities and behave generously when outside the home.  Treat elders and strangers with respect.   Inside, the home, is a different story--they are expected to do absolutely. nothing.  Their mommas treat them like royalty, and they don't lift a finger for anything they want, and anything that comes into their heads is brought to them.  Over generations, this tradition gets skewed a bit, and the sons of poorer families are not necessarily treated like royalty, but still do not learn that society expects things of them.  Or, possibly worse, they understand that they have responsibilities but have no idea how to handle them, because nobody taught them the basics.   Where women are taught how to deal with everything which comes into the house, men are taught to look at the women for answers.   If the women harbors a wish to make a difference in the world by earning a degree and working to help society, she is still expected to run the ship at home.

 

It should come as no surprise, then, that some sisters are "finding themselves unmarried."   No, silly boys, they are CHOOSING to remain unmarried, because they are natural mothers and well-educated problem-solvers, and they feel that if they take the wrong man home, the days of contributing to the larger family of society are over and they will give birth and do dishes until they die.   No, I have anecdotal evidence of this.   One sister I know received an arranged marriage.   Her mother feared she would be sneaking out and committing haraam acts, and so found her a husband.  The entire family conspired to "convince" her that this was the best thing for the family.  The man she wanted to marry came against opposition from his family, who didn't approve her.   So later, when she fought with her arranged husband (and who knows what the reason was because what happeess, right?)  her mother was known to say:  "It was a mistake to send a daughter to college." 

 

Brothers, THIS is what women anticipate if they marry "down."   Why do you not try raising your expectations of yourself?  Why not try doing something than ogling women with degrees, and demonstrate (with actions, not words) that you will also have something to contribute to the larger family of society, as well as being able to pick up after yourself at home.   A man who can cook and clean is Sexy. 

Hyphy
Hyphy

This article is condescending. Do you really think that Muslim women have not realized ANY of these points mentioned above? You've got to be kidding me.

plain_jane
plain_jane

I get ur point..more importantly tho is to marry someone of similar upbringing and mindsets. money and age is secondary.

both my sister and I married 'down'. younger men who earned less than us. I am not happy whereas she is v happy. her husband strives hard to make her happy, and his career progress such that she can choose to quit her job.

for me - his career has not progressed, regressed even. he expects me to help him - financially which I do. when there is any setback - he will blame me for his problems. though he has promised me certain things eg we get our own hse - he will scold blame when things are tough and said the he shd not get me the hse. (hmmpp I am paying more for it than him!) his mindset and attitude is not strong. I regret marrying 'down'. this guy is not able to fulfull his promises to me to give me the life that I am used to. I am tired of his blame, harsh words. Islam did say marry those with similar standings..smthg like dat.

Mark
Mark

You are asking a lot from women. Most of them seem pretty vehement about dating/marrying a man who has an equal or greater education and/or income.

Mathematically, all women cannot marry up. Especially now that women are the dominant sex on college campuses. Around 60%, roughly.

The two groups that will suffer the most are educated women, and uneducated men. Both will have trouble finding dates and mates. I will say that men have been marrying down for a very long time, with nary a complaint. Women have gained economic and academic equality -- and then some -- but they still generally refuse to seek men of lesser status. It appears women want equality when it's convenient, and tradition (marrying up, chivalry) when it's convenient. Meanwhile, men have the same options we have had since the dawn of mankind; to marry down and work until we die.

Ladies, you have equality. Are you ready to accept the bad with the good?

katyn
katyn

You rock and are so right. Muslim men should get their act together. Overseas brides and grooms are usually unsuitable and so many of those marriages end in divorce anyway...

Rabih W Zeina
Rabih W Zeina

Marry up...

The term "Marry down" is a bit degrading, how about Marry up???
What I mean here is why do we have to wait till we have a degree to get married or why do we have to wait till future husband has money, wouldn't it be better if we marry up???

This is my story.....********8
I married my husband when I was 21, I am 29 now, we had two kids and we were both still at uni. It took darling hubby 10 years to get his engineering degree, yep, 10 years. It was a loooooong struggle, between family, uni and keeping up with expenses. During that time, I earned 3 degrees. Alhamdolillah, I am so happy with what we have achieved.............we basically married up. We were students, we had the kids, then we got the degrees, then we got the jobs. It has been a marvelous journey and I thank Allah every day for what he has given us. So brothers and sisters, you don't need a degree to marry, you don't need money all you need is faith in Allah and together a husband and wife can do anything they set their mind on it.....
************

I hate the fact that so many parents are so demanding that they make marriage impossible, do we really need a $20 000 wedding or a $10 000 diamond ring????? No, we don't, All we need is faith in Allah...so MARY UP.......

MAMA K

Latisha
Latisha

One shouldn't marry up or down but marry right...meaning marry someone who is headed the same way for example: muslim for muslim, mu'min for mu'min, muhsin for muhsin, corrupt for corrupt, socialite for socialite..u get what I am saying. I know people who have successful decent partner who find it hard to cope and women who married doctors who can't stand them. From experience, if you're not in the same or similar mind set it won't last. If you're serious person clowns won't cut it n like wise.
Some say the same culture, I agree but same culture deosn't mean the same tribe or country it means the same attitude towards life and living.
Age, color, country, language, love or arrange pick what can chew
good luck to all

zet
zet

i thought 'marry down' was meant to be distracting your mind away from focusing on marriage since the ideal one seems to be almost impossible .. so that's not what our sis meant.
my perception of the issue locally here in my country(developing) , generally for all women at large , i agree with sis raidah's idea.
however when applying the matter to the 'committed' sis who does not prioritize looks&wealth but rather 'his' true understanding of the deen , his vision of a baitul muslim , characterized by taqwa,mawaddah & rahmah(piety, love and compassion).. that too is also is a very big issue.
it seems like the practising muslimats outnumber the practising muslims .
->polygamy (i think it'sthe same as ur polygny?) should not be shunned.. but should be done in the right spirit
->more dakwah work is needed to get the male muslims wake up from their slumber..
BUT to me we sisters should evaluate(muhasabah) ourselves: how islamic is our akhlaq,how much we have done for islam, how close we are to our Rabb .. and do our best to remedy what is lacking..
cos .. while meeting, marriage to the right guy is still uncertain , our meeting HIM is certain , it maybe just around the corner..
-> and let's pray to Allah to endow us with Redha & Tawakkal ..

Remember Asia's (wife of the ingrate firaun)du'a :
رب ابن لي عندك بيتا في الجنة
( Q ,66:11)

And never despair of His bounties:
ربنا هب لنا من ازواجنا و ذرياتنا قرة اعين واجعلنا للمتقين اماما

(Q , 25:74)

All the best for you!

uncleMusa
uncleMusa

subhanaAllah no doubt 'Our Deen' success and the good qualities a muslim posses is from Allah, but let me put it this way, can one get a job if they sit inside a room and dont apply for any work and dont tell others that they need a job and what their skills are? The person has to go out there and try to get the job and ask Allah for help and what happens is what is decreed

That's why the community needs to come together (whom ever that are suitable for the roles) and have to help each other out in helping the single's find someone. And all that everyone has to do it keep trying and trying and if it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be of-course. And a central thing to this is 'sacrifice' for the sake of Allah (eg: [if a male] 'O Allah I am seeking something else, but to help this sister out in-case she goes into the haram I will sacrifice my ideal lady and give this a genuine try" and [if a female] 'O Allah I am seeking something else, but to help this practising brother out in-case he goes into the haram I will sacrifise my ideal man and give this a genuine try"

There is a fine tipping point in the sacrificing (Allahu'alam) eg: not being desparate for wanting to do it - one has to find that fine balance. Coz it is possible that one is looking for a $100 bill but comes across a $50 note and rejects it and then later on one ends up with $0 and then one will realise "Ah! I should have taken the $50 when it was there"

Also be careful and mindful of your "nafs" (ego) and dont let one's ego simply waste a good marriage partner and then simply say "should have got married to that person". Take it easy and dont try and build Rome in a day or expect it on a platter

Has anyone thought of this: Imagine you meet someone not as that good to marry but after marriage the barakah of doing it for Allah flows in and both go up and up in ranks (by the permission of Allah). Perhaps some should contemplate this and remember that. I have seen this in islamic families (whom I knew early on in their marriage) and also on another note from an earthly sense (& to a degree in material sense in all honesty) with people not on deen (relatives, family friends, other stories) where after marriage both of them really take off, in comparision to how they were before marriage

Just a thought - as a single & seeking muslim revert from Syd-Town :)

uncleMusa
uncleMusa

From a reverts point of view - sometimes there are both born muslim and reverts who need the community help (eg: born muslim's parents dont practice the deen or dont care, and the reverts parents would not understand most the time how to help their child look for a partner to marry). And also both parties have to "sacrifice" for the sake of Allah instead and in turn help each other out. As a revert who Alhumdulilla came into Islam around late 2004's I am suprised at the 'small issues' muslims seem to dwell over and how only a little thing here and there (Allahu'alam) needs to be tweaked and inshaAllah will see big improvement (80/20 rule perhaps).

One has to acknowledge what parts/weaknesses require fixing and work on them and thank Allah for the strength's one has. And one has to back-up and support their fellow muslim (one who tries their best to follow Islam) and not be impressed by someone who is not on deen but seems to be a really nice and well organised person (in this case be nice to them and give dawah inshaAllah) - but that is one of the things I have noticed over the years is muslims tend to have a very short patience with another muslim if they do a small weakness. Please remember this for a scenario: A brother who has to work 9am-5pm and has to be in wudhu and pray 'duhur', 'asr', 'maghrib' while also making sure one is not in a state of impurity (eg: having to use the aid of water when using bathroom in a workplace, is really not that easy), and also has to find a place to pray 3 times during their work - This person is not the same as someone (Allahu'alam) who is relaxed and just focused on their work and socialising and having a whale of a time at work. So please dont compared the two in terms of consequential behaviour of the brother who is 'working' for his akhira

And infact it could be a problem with one's self if the person not on deen is more impressive than the struggling person on deen, coz if one's receptors are right (inshaAllah) should be able to pick up on the ruh and nur of this struggling muslim and that would impress one much more than the other person. And as always Allah knows best

Please note as myself coming for an extended family with non-muslims (may Allah guide them to Islam for their own-sake), I am in-fact encouraging dawah but at same time dont rubbish or ridicule or get frustrated with the 'gold mine' (practising muslims or for that matter muslims that believe in Allah and the final prophet [sallallahu'alayhi'wasalam] but are too lazy or not realising the importance of following the pillars of Islam or are sinning/misbehaving types)

Remember there is no "I" in "T.E.A.M." inshaAllah we have to stick together and invite others to our team and Allah wills.... And yeah if any sisters know any other single muslimah looking for marriage - some of the MV mods who are female maybe able to get in contact with someone I know.... Coz subhanaAllah it is Alhumdulilla tough out there when people not on deen are interested in you and are impressed by one - but subhanaAllah muslims are not that interested in one for marriage (this is from personal experience Alhumdulilla of 6 [maybe more - lost count] 'rejections' from the ladies side over the last few years.... and most the time it was I am guessing due to my strictness of not using or taking photographs for social reasons, and not watching TV/hollywood/bollywood or not looking a certain way or simply was not from the same country as them).... May Allah protect us against all the evil that He has created

Our Deen
Our Deen

Al Hamdulillaah My dear Brother read this article and said Muslims must understand where their wealth comes from: Not themselves Allaah has intrusted them with it, and will judge them how they use it. We tend to think our success come from our hand and Allaah dorsn't play a role in our success.; Subhaan Allaah !!! In our state as a Ummah we get intoxicated with everything but Islaam. Especially ourselves what vowel gives life to the word sIn. So we should remember we own nothing in this life What we should want to own is the deeds of Jannah and the knowledge to obtain themin this life; by the Mercy of Allaah Na'aam Insha Allaah May Allaah grant every Muslim desiring a mate seeking His pleasure. Our goal.?

cm786
cm786

Great article Raidah with touch of humor lol, For all singles out there,make dua"Raditu Billahi Rabban wabil Islami Dinan wabi Muhammadin (SAW) Nabiyyan wa Rasulan" (I am pleased with Allah as my Lord, with Islam as my Religion and with Muhammad (SAW) as the Prophet and Messenger of Allah): “Allah has promised that anyone who reads this three times every morning and evening will be pleased on the Day of Judgment (Tirmidhi).Allah (swt) will answer your prayer and give you your heart's desire. What is not possible to obtain by man is possible to be received as a blessings from Allah.

My Ustadh always told me, don’t concern too much about what you can’t control, coz the more worry you have, the more test Allah (swt) going to give you, count your blessings, be content with what youve now, there’s always hikmah behind everything. Continue with your spiritual path and do good deeds. It’s already written before you were born, whether youre going to be single, married or divorced with a young or old man. So those who thinks that its unthinkable to married a young man, Allah is All Aware and All Knowing, its Allah’s plan, don’t be surprised all of a sudden a good, young righteous man proposed to you lol. Ive read recently about a incredible love story of a young man 19 years old married a widow of 29 years old and eloped to the mountains in China and carved 6000 steps for his wife over a period of 50 years subhanAllah. That’s true love. Ive few friends who married to younger men, they looked awesome together. Age not an issue, its mutual respect and chemistry.

As for polygyny, its an acceptable practice but not encouraged, men have to think twice before taking that offer, if they cannot do justice to their wives, severe punishment awaits them on DOJ, but as long as the first wife is happy with it with no complains and give blessings to her husband then he’s off the hook.:)

"Verily Allah does not change men’s condition unless they change their inner selves" [Surah Ar-Rad (13:11)]

Da'wah
Da'wah

Subhaan Allaah Subhaan Allaah Subhaan Allaah First. What iare you considering education. Note We as Muslims should look at education from the perspective of Qur'aan and Sunnah. Not a degree from some kufr university. Yes it is the Man obligation to provide for his family. And that has to be nourish into or youth and stop look at Material wealth as success.Our Deen is Base on intention : Know Allaah{SWT] is in control . The Sister was giving some serious Naseehah to her Sister on accepting a mate [May Allaah reward her for her efford> In saying that there is no such thing is marrying down or up marry for the pleasure of Allaah seeking Jannah not Jahannam . BarakAllaah fee

commenter
commenter

polygamy why dont you encourage it?

Khadeer Khan
Khadeer Khan

I think this article does have touch of humor, but we have to be careful when giving advise, if this is that. The Prophet SWAS did a lot of things including marrying someone younger as well. Its very biased and should be taken lighlty. Follow Islam and make Dua to ALLAHswt as there is someone for everyone. Put in the effort InshAllah. I would try my luck at Internet Marriage sites. A friend of mine found his better other half on there. Not sure what the name was, something my deen. Sorry dont remember. InshAllah you find who you are looking for.

fatia
fatia

Asalam,i think every one has a wish or dream that can come true if u beleive and pray to Allah,so muslim educated ladies shouldnt be put down by settling for less,u can always get a rich, educated. God fearing and loving man coz with Allah nothing is impossible.

Yuck
Yuck

I cannot believe in this day and age that people are so narrow minded that the concept of a woman marrying a man younger than her is shocking. And then they have the nerve to say that they are following the religion of a man who married a woman 15 years his senior.

I don't even want to ask why, I'm sure the reasons are just as stupid.

Anon
Anon

Good advise, irrelevent of race, religion or sexuality.

LimaBean
LimaBean

Marry for the pleasure of Allah and the goal should be Jennah. Period.

Men are the protectors and maintainers of women. It isn't anything to think about. The recipe for marriage is already written down for us. We get into trouble when we try to tweak it to suit our own situations. If we heed what was subscribed, it is better for us. Women in their 30s already have an established standard of living. They need a mate who can sustain that standard OR be willing to live at a lower standard. I would have trouble truly respecting a man as a husband should be respected if he could not support me, I had to support myself, or worse, support him. What chance would such a union have? There is wisdom in the words and they do not change to suit the times.

As far as polygny, I am not a fan but we cannot take away from man what Allah (swt) has given him. Again, the recipe is written.

Make a list of the things you THINK you want in a mate and sincerely ask Allah to send you a mate IF in fact a marriage is the best thing for you (it isn't always). He doesn't mind when we call on Him for help. Then pay attention. Wait and see who comes. Sometimes we are so busy paying attention to what we THINK we want or need, we don't see that our prayers have already been answered. You may think you want a bodybuilder but Allah has sent you a fat man and the perfect husband is right in there and you aren't even looking. It isn't "downgrading", it is sincerely re-evaluating what we have to offer a mate, what a mate has to offer us and what goodness or greatness will result as a union of the two.

If you keep working your "list" on your own, you will have nothing but problems now and in the future. Your ideal partner could be in the middle of the jungle 5000 miles from you and it is NOTHING for Allah to put him right next to you if he is the one. Don't believe? Try it. Try it. Try it. And don't just ask, BELIEVE it with all your heart AND pay attention! Allah knows best. Always.

BullashahBulla
BullashahBulla

You are confused. "A fool will be a fool whether he/she goes to school or not." The only difference education makes is that a foolish person learns to advocate his/her stupidity in seemingly understandable manner to other educated fools. Wama Alina I'llal Balaagh.

Fahima
Fahima

what about men, shouldn't they marry lesser Queen Victoria, and Miss Beautiful!!!!

S. Strauch
S. Strauch

'And I don’t encourage polygny...' Why not? The Prophet (Sall Allahu 'Alaihi Wa Sallam) did!

Amal
Amal

Salam,
i don't like your article as far as it is destinated to sisters. The problem is on the other side , you have to talk to both male and female and specially men. The problem is there.
cheer up

CreamCheese
CreamCheese

lol Alhamdullilah you mention a good point. I think the age thing is an interesting point. You do see some people marrying older women, but it is generally rare. Personally, there are so many boys younger than me who see me as a mentor more than anything else. I address them as "kids" and "children" even though they're younger than me by 3 or 4 years. I don't think I can imagine being anything besides a sister or teacher to them. They are younger, they still need to grow, so they look up to me. I wouldn't mind marrying somebody more my age though. I really have no expectations from a man. I just want a good person inshAllah.

Laura
Laura

I think Sister Raidah's point is not to indicate that following these steps would really be marrying down, but rather that what we consider to be the important characteristics in a potential partner need to be revised and the end result would appear to be marrying down in the eyes of those who have more superficial expectations.... (I hope all that makes as good sense to the outside world as it does in my head :p).

Rah
Rah

If you've read all 3 of the author's articles you will see what she means by 'Marrying Down'. No one is telling you to lower your standards. Sure have them, but at the end of the day you will have to compromise on some things. He may be younger than you, he may not have a degree, but in the end these things don't matter. When you get married what is it that is most important? Have those high expectations, but have high expectations about the RIGHT things. You may let the most awesome guy get away because he has the wrong age, or the wrong job, or the wrong height...

muslimahsister
muslimahsister

How many doctors, lawyers etc that call themselves muslims? there are many who have the status of the dunya but are disfunctional muslims? we have many.... I am not saying they r all like that.... my point is search 4 the one who fears Allah & Allah will make everything else good 4 u & your family.

Before I reverted an old friend said to me take note if the man treats his mother and his pets well, he'll treat you and your children well too, this is an analogy from a non muslim just another way to look at it.

Allah knows us best, so we should all follow his guidence.

I pray the single sisters and brothers find their predestined partners soon and have Taqwa hapinness and good health,inshalla amen.

muslimahsister
muslimahsister

I think the tittle of this article has many in a twist... 'marry down' is almost insulting.

Regardless of what a brother has or doesn't have to offer MEANS NOTHING unless they have Taqwa, fear of of Allah, it means nothing if he doesn't know how to treat his wife and give her rights as Allah gave women so many years ago (of course it goes both ways she must give her husband his rights too).

Sisters u must ask yourselves this..... does he do his duties 4 the sake of Allah? does he obey & respect his parents? does he follow the way of the Prophet (pbuh) who was sent as a mercy 2 us all? if he does u have nothing 2 worry about, inshalla.

Muhummed Shah Idil
Muhummed Shah Idil

Definitely agree with what you're saying. So how do we, as a community, address this issue? Why are Muslim men being left behind when it comes to education?

It is worth keeping in mind that when it comes to education, boys in general are being left behind. It isn't specific to just the Muslim community.

Muhummed Shah Idil
Muhummed Shah Idil

I don't think I would have a problem with marrying a woman who is older, smarter, and/or earns more than me. I'm looking for a partner in life, and not someone who tags along.

But the broader problem that seems to exist stems from the checklist approach when looking for a spouse. While I understand the benefit in listing out certain characteristics that you think are essential, how many have been overlooked just because he/she did not meet a certain criteria? And how many of these characteristics are set by well-intentioned parents who often have very different perspectives to their kids?

commenter
commenter

this article needs to be re done! make sense when you write especially if posting for the general public too see.
i got this article from the half our deen page now i am wondering if they feel the same way not very encouraging HULYA AND KAL I AGREE WITH YOU COMMENTS.

MCC
MCC

How dare a sister have standards!

ABRO
ABRO

as a brother, this was an interesting article. but i am perplexed by the suggestion to marry a younger brother. i'm sure most women would be happy with that, but that is not really marrying down. i understand the sunnah, but it took a prophet to do that. i think for sisters to 'marry down' they need to accept and be happy with marrying the older man...

SCS.
SCS.

I'd feel a bit awkward marrying down tbh...really would love someone my age [one year younger or older, that's fine] & I still want to believe it will happen, with the special person. My life is too important for me to marry any1 just because of a lack in opportunities, then again the societal and family pressures and desires are all ruining it over me. Ah, life...hasbunallahu nimal wakeel. x

p.s: I don't mind considering but feel grossed out whenever anyone tells me, what my options should be. I guess I understand things a little more differently and my experiences has been different.

Irfan Mohamed
Irfan Mohamed

Yup, marrying up is not an issue - age brings wisdom - and that's a good thing. Issue is finding a balance. In fact marrying older women is actually a Sunnah......~ something mentioned in the Seekers Guidance - Successful Islamic Marriage lecture series.....

Kal
Kal

Interesting advice! I am sure the future husband will be happy that his wife decided to 'marry down' and chose him.

Perhaps a better approach would have addressed the fact that qualifications, wealth etc. do not make the man. A good marriage is usually sustained on patience, good character, physical attraction and similar interests/values.

Muslimah
Muslimah

I think the problem is broader than lowering expectations to 'marry down'. Across the board we are seeing Muslim women excelling in education and community involvement, whereas the males in our community are falling behind. In other words, the pool from which eligible Muslim males exists is smaller than the pool of eligible females- which is why so many Muslim women are finding it difficult to find a suitable match, and why so many Muslim men are attracted to the 'overseas younger bride'. I can't count how many times I've heard and seen that happen. Why should a woman who has 'sought knowledge' as instructed by our Prophet SAW, improved her mind and intellect, studied hard and pursued a profession 'marry down' simply because the statistics don't add up?

Mal
Mal

I reject this notion of marrying down ............. what does that mean? ........ the men described above as being the type to consider are 95% of all men ....... who incidentally want the same things everyone does ie a loving caring relationship ................. since when did the aspects of materialism such as degree, position, wealth etc make for a good partnership?

Umar Luqman via Face
Umar Luqman via Face

The bottom line, be less 'cultural' in your thinking and try to behave like a muslim!

Rajab
Rajab

salaam evry1... dont be downhearted, this post is full of humour and Islam is bout living life in a balanced manner, have u heard the Hadith regarding RasoolAllah SallAllahu Alaihi Wasallams wives and how he treated them, have u heard the description of his blessed features and beautiful smile...? Btw two stand against what a cuple of ppl have said, yes i have heard of a brother who is marrying sum1 older than him of his own choice SubhanAllah and there are brothers and sisters who can talk about their aims and goals and compatibility.. unfortunately a lot of the time Islam is forgotten and culture makes evrything much harder :(

Olgish
Olgish

Absolutely agree.

katyn
katyn

uncle musa, I am doing some research on reverts. You have very solid views. If you are interested let me know. Thanks

Muhummed Shah Idil
Muhummed Shah Idil

He, Allah bless him and grant him peace, didn't encourage it - it was permissible only if certain conditions were met.

muslimsdownunder
muslimsdownunder

I think this is due to the fact that the trades are generally held by men. But also note that in the Muslim community there are many cultures who view education in different ways. Some of the cultures view education/uni degree as extremely important to achieve while in other cultures it all about the income, no matter where is coming from trade or white-collar professional fields.

Besides the beauty trade industry most women in the 1st world will go down the education path. Though there are female tradies, I rarely see a female plumber, electrician etc

DebEwing
DebEwing

In my husband's Pakistani culture, it's ALL about wealth, status, "what everyone will think." Who cares if the two kids even like each other? His sister was pressured to marry someone she didn't like, because the parents of the man she did like did not approve her family. What the article should say is to focus more on Islam, less on prevailing culture.

DebEwing
DebEwing

In my husband's Pakistani culture, it's ALL about wealth, status, "what everyone will think." Who cares if the two kids even like each other? His sister was pressured to marry someone she didn't like, because the parents of the man she did like did not approve her family. What the article should say is to focus more on Islam, less on prevailing culture.

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